before or after the sneeze?

I guess the catalyst for my starting this blog is something that has been the catalyst for many things for many other people. The shooting in Tucson initially was just another sad piece of news that I couldn't quite digest. Reading the paper this morning, 5 days later, I suddenly felt the tears pour down my face. All I could think about was how terrified that 9 year old girl must have been- for some reason the confused, betrayed, and scared look of an innocent girl was stuck in my mind. How unfathomable to lose an innocent soul, ripe to begin a full life, to be a light in the world. Then I thought about how precious this life, this world is. We hear phrases like this all the time. "Life is short," "Time is of the essence," "It'll be over before you know it," and so on. Yes, we all can relate to these cliches in some way or another. But it's usually, "Wow, I got fat quickly- I swear it was yesterday that I was a size 4."

Sometimes it is more profound, like the loss of a family member that shocks us into wanting to spend more quality time with our loved ones. Why is it that we have to experience a tragedy, a disappointment, a death to realize the beauty and fragility of life? I guess there can be no light without dark, no happiness without sadness. How do we define these concepts? By what they are not?

Then I wonder, we must need failure, negativity, tragedy to understand success, optimism, and miracles. Is this so morbid? Do we really need the slaughter of 6 innocent vibrant human souls to appreciate the remaining billions of souls?

I continued to read the paper about the tragic flooding in Brazil where close to 500 people were buried alive in mud and debris. And then a flash to the peaceful and fairly anticipated death of my grandfather of 96 years old last November- and how his wife passed only weeks later. I cried, I ached for the world losing such an immense soul that had influenced such a widespread population of people, wildlife, communities, and so on. But as a family we learned to celebrate his full and fascinating life of close to 97 years. How many people can say that the deaths of their loved ones were so peaceful-and ideal in a way?

Who am I to deserve such a sheltered, low impact world devoid of tragedy and shock? I almost feel guilty for never having to hear truly horrifying news- and yet, by writing this, I wonder if I am only bringing it on. I think of the most precious, irreplaceable, and fragile people in my world. How if they were to be taken from me in any way it would completely destroy my concept of life as I know it- and how the world would be at a huge loss as well.

So what good does it do us to try to conceptualize these terrifying, but very real possibilities? I wonder. I guess with each loss, I appreciate and love the remaining lives, learn from and admire the lost ones, and learn to make mine as full and rich as I can.

Does all this just boil down to "Carpe Diem" ? Maybe so. In the past year, having lost 2 grandparents, a beloved childhood neighbor, a current neighbor, and an old family friend, I find myself thinking over and over: Our world is so fragile and so ruthless all at once. We have so little control in the great span of things. I think that I can plan my life like a table of contents. To be frank, it has been predictable, safe, and waiting. I often have the feeling that I am like an impending sneeze. I can feel it coming, my hand is up to my face, I'm turning away from the crowd, eyes squinting- but no satisfying explosion quite yet. Maybe this bizarre analogy isn't the appropriate one to assign anyway. Maybe there is no sneeze. Maybe that feeling of impending release and freedom is better than the release itself? Because after the sneeze- what happens? Life moves on. I guess I'll live my life having a strange case of the sniffles where I'll have moments of anticipation and excitement and satisfying sneezes- but also cozy afternoons in bed with a cup of tea where life doesn't have to be exciting at all.

Regardless, I hope I grow to live my life outside of anticipation. No one is going to live it for me, I can't wait for a catalyst-I can't wait period. It's as if I'm waiting to lift off a shell where I have been hunkered down prepared for...something. If all I do in my life is prepare, I am setting myself up for what preparation connotes: an end means. Am I preparing myself for an "end" ? In a logical sense, yes, some preparation is necessary. But in my world, the balance of living the "now" moment and preparing for a moment is skewed.

Time to move from waiting and anticipation- just sneeze already!